lex's blog

A Check-In

so im finally downloaded mad men. i figure i should probably watch it, since it is about the industry im currently residing in. its been downloading all day yesterday, so in 1.45 i should have it to put on in the BG while i work out some freelance. anybody watch it yet? worthwhile? (i never get into shows until theyre at least 3 seasons in).

im trying to seriously watch more movies. i got netflix for the soul purpose of actually SEEING some movies i havn't. yesterday i watched taxi driver, which i guess is a really well known movie (and dare i say -- robert dinero is super hot in actually ??), and then of course wet hot american summer, because its the best! its kind of fun to watch all the stuff that people always talk about, but ive never really had an interest in watching so have never seen before. sometimes i feel like such a life nublet.

so after my staycation debacle of somehow spending like 1300$ in a month, hopefully i should have that down to 300$ by the time i get this freelance check. phewf. i was afraid i was going to be paying that back until may or some shit. sucks though, if i had been more careful, all that money could have been going into my savings. im never going to save enough to take a trip or two this year if i don't start seriously saving!

no word yet from new guy. i can't remember what i wrote in my last entry but, he was supposed to come in this weekend but his car broke, so nbd, i have my fingers crossed for next week!

also kind of worried, i think this programmer at work might have a bit of a crush on me...not sure how to sufficiently friendzone him without being obviously rude. HMM.

been gym-ing a lot too! i love that with weight lifting, you can really tell a difference, especially if you havn't really done anything before. im starting to have muscles! and i can start to take deep breaths again! and on that note, i have totally given up smoking! even when people have one when im drunk these days, i dont even WANT one. mind over matter, baby! sadly the gym closes at 4pm today, but i woke up just a little bit ago..im trying to rally to go, because i only went three days last week (mon/wed/fri/sat) so itd be nice to keep it at a steady 4-5, especially because im anticipating next week being a little crazy work-wise. maybe ill take a break today, and try to get up in the AM again to go. sometimes not going for a day helps me guilt myself into waking up when id rather just hit snooze, haha.

gosh 2010 is the best so far! i think i say that every entry, but its so true! w00t!

Most Things Are Great

i got promoted!

its all in a title, because ive been doing the work of a regular art director forever now, but the 'jr' has been dropped officially. and a 12% raise! i was hoping for more like a 25% raise, cause we basically work for peanuts, but i guess an extra 200$ a paycheck shouldn't be balked at.

and hit up the gym again! i pussed out and didnt go yesterday, then was at work till midnight, so that was a fail. and then waking up this morning was also a fail. but i feel good now; i think i just put up these mental blockaids or something, that makes it the WORST idea in the world. but i can tell a difference, carried over from the month or so i was really intent last year. i swear, if i can just GO, i know this shit will just melt off! i mean i havn't worked out seriously in like 10 years, and im not in that bad of shape, so going 4-5 days a week has to do SOMETHING, amirite?

also: opinions. that dude said i should 'expect a call from him in the near future'. does that mean 'wait for me to call you'? is it cute of me to text him tomorrow and ask if he'll be in the city this weekend, and if so we should hang out? ughh im so shitty at 'playing the game'!

also: last night matias texted me to 'just say hi, and that i think youre awesome'. i think he's feeling like a retarded for lettin this catch go. i should just fucking hardcore out at the gym until our valentines day party so when he shows up, i can strut around and show him what the fuck hes missing for being an idiot. MWAHA. i can't believe how over that whole situation i am! there is so much to real closure. confronting him and saying what i needed to say was just like, shedding some skin or something; i don't want to put that shit back on again, are you kidding?! and talking to him feels easier, like i dont have to say 'the perfect thing™' to everything he says or does. i can give him a hard time and be smart or stupid and if he laughs, i don't take it personally.

im even wearing my retainer again! not that it'll do anything haha..

w00t! 2010 rocks so far! i hope cute boy calls me soon eeeee. i hope im not getting all worked up for naught : |.

His Last Name Is Wall

okay, so far, 2010: awesome

theres lots of reasons for that, but for now, i'll focus on one: boys ! (talking about boys is so much fun, hee)

so last night we had a pretty epic evening; dinner party at megan's, with like 20-ish people. then to the LES for meeting up with a random friend from highschool. then dancing at home sweet home, where i've never been before. great music, LOTS of guys, but EVERYONE was so much more hammers than we were.

anyways, we get there and i'm scoping the scene (we were there with like 5 girls, and joe met us there), and i see this cute guy with a beard. side note: im all about beards recently. i double-check with megan to make sure he is, in fact, cute, and that i'm not just more hammers than i thought. she corroborates, and i sort of start dancing near him, but then he starts dancing with some chick, and i'm like fuuu. but then i see him talking to his friend, they both sort of look at me, and he comes over and we start talking.

side note two: dancing with someone who cant really dance and is also 6'4" is really difficult. but we actually just stood in the corner, kind of moving around and talking for an hourish. finally at some point i give him a kiss on tip-toes, and we end up bailing a little after that.

hes from scranton, pa! plays guitar in a band, is very tall, our age (im actually 6 months older than him!), and SUCH a gentleman. i brought him back, and we played nick drake and made out on my bed, and fell asleep listening to owen. its like something out of some fantasy id have, listening to good music and making out! and hes the best snuggler ive had in a while, we fell asleep spooning, and when i woke up, he was still right there! most guys end up rolling over. gosh, so cute.

and also cute, we were messing around and he was keeping his shirt on. i was sort of like ?? but whatever, im self conscious, so meh. but we're talking and hes finally got his shirt off and is like okay so just to warn you, ive had to have two open-heart surgeries, and have a mechanical aortic valve, so i tick. and i was like shhh, and sure enough, there was this loud tick-tick-tick-tick. and part of his chest is sort of concave, because they had to take part of his ribs out? is it weird i find it completely cute that hes part robot?

so generally, finally fell asleep at 6:45 this morning, up around 930, he left around 11. he had to get back to scranton (2.5 hrs ish) for a band practice, but was so cute about leaving, just putting it off. UGHHHH so cute.

spent pretty much all of today cleaning up after my dirty roommates, and smiling to myself about how much fun i had (basically lately ive been only having these blackout hookups -- feel free to psychoanalyze that one, blech, ftl lex), and we didnt even go all the way!

sitting here before bed i was clicking through his facebook pictures, and i get a text from him! asking if its alright if he calls next time hes in the city, to which im like yessss. he said hes planning on moving in sometime in the next few weeks because he commutes in like 2-3 days anyways.

yes! i know, rando, but i wanted to write it out, because i actually feel happy and comfortable in my happiness! this ain't no matias, i'll tell you that.

updates to follow! mwahaha ! one of my new years resolutions should be not to rewrite texts a zillion times. barff.  

We're Almost Home

OH MY GOD.

yes, its 3am on a tuesday. yes, im still up. yes, ive been working since midnight.

today was a slow day at the office. we got briefed on a new project, hopefully should be easy but also maybe kind of cool? probably not but whatever 2010 be positive!!

ive been doing this freelance for my roommate's partner, while they finish up their stuff for the launch of their new site at his real job (he gets home at like, midnight every night .. no time for outside-of-work-work). i was an idiot, and told him i could code the newsletter. why do we ask? because i can! i can't do supercrazyawesome™ shit, but i can code a fucking table thank you.

or so i thought.

and now here i am, sitting here, groveling at the feet of josh, our programmer from work, who has kindly taken the last couple of hours to walk me through this. i dont think i was going to have a panic attack, but i was feeling like a really lost idiot for a couple of hours.

it doesn't help that its supposed to go out tomorrow morning. and that we had our first ladies' poker night tonight, and i didnt really find out this was such a big deal (aka a late night job) until halfway through the get together. fail. (i won, though .. yay?).

so im sitting here, doing all the formatting stuff for him, and sending it to him and hes putting it where its supposed to go. so im looking at my aim list -- nobodys on. nobody i want to talk to. matias and zach are on, but i dont think they log off aim anymore, because i heard zach get home a couple of hours ago. i clicked on be hance, but now everything about that site leaves a sour taste in my mouth. i hate how jealous i am, that i don't even want to put work up there because i feel like it'll be judged so harshly.

sitting here fuming about loss and being angry and not being able to code a newsletter that formats in most major web browsers/email clients is kind of getting to me. im being objective. i really am. im lighting a candle right now to zen out. i just used my last match. id use a lighter but -- oh wait -- the last 2 packs of 4 lighters ive bought have all magically disappeared. and its not me, because i quit smoking. smoking cigarettes. okay i broke down on friday and had one, but i promise i didn't enjoy it, and i dont want one now.

im all greasy again. i need to go back to the gym. i need to get paid for all this work. hey! everyone. if you havn't heard of http://mint.com , you should check it out. it shows you all of your stats online, and even your investments and stuff, which is cool. i never log onto charles schwab or vanguard, and always get these statements in my email that i never open, but its cool to see a real number when you log into mint.

god im tired. my throat is starting to hurt again. i feel like i never kicked the sickness or something. fml.

i keep having all the dreams with the special zombies from l4d and me being married to michael cera. im not sure if thats how its spelt. friday we have a dinner party in brooklyn. im reading letters to a christian nation. the democrats lost massachusetts, so healthcare may die. and it had just dawned on me that being on unemployment/freelancing with universal healthcare may not be so scary.

i want to travel. but i also want to save money. how do you rationalize where to put your money? my heart says go visit ireland, japan, singapore. but my head says, and then what? come home with no money, no job? how does that make sense at all? and if i just go on a small vacation on holiday, do i really get to experience it? can i find someone to experience it with me?

sometimes i dont mind being single. its nice to go out and do things because i want to do them, to really reconnect with my friends, because i'm not just dumping all my time into a boyfriend. but sometimes it would be nice to have someone kiss the top of your head when they come visit your apartment and youre on the computer trolling 4chan. sometimes that would be nice.

i wonder if this counts as exploiting my sexuality to get this done. me and josh are just peers, but we don't really talk. we dont get lunch. sometimes i go visit him and james and the other programmers on the other side of the floor to escape my desk for 20 minutes where nobody can find me. but its now 3am and hes sitting at his computer coding away like a madman (maybe?), and i feel terrible. im such a user sometimes. at least its all a learning experience, right? dont bite off more than you can chew, alex. you tell yourself youll use it as a chance to learn it, but then you flounder. just do what you're good at for now, and push the envelope with yourself, not client work. dummy.

maybe if i can save the same amount of money i would use on a vacation, i can go. lots of freelance, being careful, then i wouldn't feel guilty. like im spending all the money i have as soon as i get it. i mean christ, i'll be 24 this year. i need savings. what if i got laid off? i have nothing i can live off of. and i cannot ask my parents for money; since ive graduated ive been totally self-sufficient. this is all me, but i feel like im not being responsible. i havn't saved ANYTHING for the year since ive been living in the city. i dont want to end up like carrie in sex and the city, 40 and no savings in any form but shoes.

my file is sent! LETS FINISH THIS THING.

The Start

well, i'd say this year is beginning fairly well! I'm being very money-conscious, doing freelance, and hitting the gym! i can already feel such a difference, my goal is to get up early tomorrow and finally start this am-training i've been planning on doing!

so far my stop smoking quest has been successful; havn't had one this year yet, and i only had one or two scattered here or there in december, and i always tossed them 1/3 of the way in because they grossed me out. i am COMMITTED to getting myself in the place i always wished i was; i feel like my self confidence will skyrocket when im not so worried about the way that i look. it may sound shallow, but everyone has their vices, and mine is the extra pounds im packin.

otherwise, life is good! im trying to be in bed by midnight, and me/joe/julian cleaned up the apartment after a hectic weekend, so things are in good shape moving forward! i started a poker night with a bunch of girls in the city (mostly megs friends i now consider my friends, since all of mine are guys haha), which starts next tuesday! im excited to really take advantage of the AIGA, to do some new work on the weekends, to get my portfolio up, get a new job, and look fabulous by the summer!

the only downside is that ive been getting these fits of depression lately. like when i sit down to actually DO these things i plan on, i get all anxious, and sad, and then i just go to sleep to avoid feeling like that. its not good, which is why im trying to focus on small things at once like making myself get up at 8 to go to the gym, and packing my lunch so i don't spend money when im out (a fail today, but in my defense my lunchmeat was slimey, and new has since been bought!). oh well -- just got to keep looking at things in a 'everything is only going to get better if i follow through' mentality, instead of getting lazy two weeks in and abandoning everything.

matias' work should even out by the end of this month. i feel weird asking him if i could come over to watch a movie (he gets to work around 9, and most nights -- like tonight -- is still there at 11), but id like us to get back into a schedule of seeing each other, so i can see if this is really worth my time. i know a lot of my fears between us are wrought because of how poorly i see myself physically, and how much i admire him as a person (read: not good enough for him, which is a horrible way to think, but hey! at least im aware of it), and i know that translates into how well we work together. my resolution is to just be honest, even if its brutal, instead of being so accomodating. if he doesnt like it, well, at least it didnt fail because of me!

alright, so i didnt work on my freelance tonight, but instead im going to lay in bed and read some cheesy dan brown, and hopefully be asleep by midnight :)

Do You Really Want To

so i just confronted matias about how he was making me feel.

i guess i was getting tired of playing games. like, i have to text you, or IM you every so often just to keep the lines of communication open. why can i just say how i feel, and you can take it how you will? and if its a dealbreaker, at least the deal is broken, and i can stop halfheartedly trying. i did the same thing with drew, whom i hilariously just IMed. not about this, just to talk to. i don't know why i let myself get into these relationship that are completely defined by the other person. and i get mad when i feel like im just along for the ride; well what do you expect, its the position you put yourself in.

he had been pretty prompt about texting me back and forth, but since i texted him back, telling him i was tired of being just fit in after everything else he did, he's been quiet. im just sitting here listening to bon iver, having cleaned my room. if he was a good guy, even after a long day, he would show up with a wilted deli flower with zach when they get home, and stay the night. that's what a boy that really cares about me would do, when i finally admitted to him that he made me nervous. it was a bold move, to show your true colors, to be...honest. honesty face to face is the hardest thing for me. its easier for me to feign happiness or a-ok-ness, than to admit how i really feel. or complain, to cover up for my insecurities or failures. im trying to make a consorted effort to change this in the new year, and with the courage of half a bottle of wine, i decided to open this dialogue. the good thing is, i feel at least enough far removed from the situation to not feel badly that he hasnt texted me back yet. ive given myself enough space to not get my feelings hurt by the honesty of his actions. its worth it i suppose; if hes out of my life, hes out of my life, and thats all there is to it. at least i put it all up there. maybe he'll learn something from it. i think drew did .. i mean, he did move in with erin after all.

i guess im just tired of being the one people learn their lessons through. or being the one that is okay with the situation. i want to feel passion, i want to feel like im worth something serious to someone, and i want to feel that in return. haha, i just got a text back:

me: im just tired of feeling like im being fit in after everything else you have going on
him: i think you're awesomeness, for shaw

what a grand way to dodge the question at hand. seriously; i know its like 1am, and i think they're still at work, but thats what im talking about. take the 20 minutes to talk about this if you want, or just be like 'i cant deal with you, leave me alone', and i will. but this half-hearted bullshit is giving me an aneurysm. i cannot accept that i mean this little to someone. i just can't, its not within my capacity.

oh well. im proud of myself for at least saying it, even if i was lame and said it all over text. to be honest, i feel like i couldnt get his honest attention in any other form. he doesnt talk to me on AIM, and i havn't seen him since before halloween.

i guess we'll see.

The First

my new years:

- kicked out of the bar we were at

- lost my phone, which was found in the middle of the street by someone. now sports a fantastic spider crack on the screen, but still works

- kissed a ginger

- got in a punching match with our friend swayne

all in all, a good time. woke up with so many bruises, sore legs (possibly from the ice skating that occured earlier yesterday), and a coldsore, but what can you do.

my resolutions:

- work out for realsies

- stop eating like a little bitch

- re-figure out how to not black out when i drink most of the time

- stop being a pussy and giving out my number to guys when im not interested

i saw this kid on tuesday before we left, and i hate to say it, but he had so many gay vibes going on. i just watched the hangover, and whats his face (andy bernard), the way he acts at the beginning...the exact same way. its just...so unnattractive. i get enough nonsense being a girl, i don't need to date one. and the weird part is, he has literally called and texted me like crazy! i just want to be like, okay, we don't need to play the game™, but the desparation is palpable! this is why you need to hang out with a lot of people: to get used to how weird most of the world is. and to learn how to deal with it in a way that doesn't make so much of your life revolve around the person you're with. i wasted so much money and energy being weirded out by matias, its like there was a right way to do things or something. time to learn to just jump when things don't mesh!

im so tired, but its like i don't remember how to sleep at anormal hour anymore. being at home is starting to really grate on me, i know my mom means well, but i'm not checked into familytime anymore. especially when i just got home from a 4 hour drive while hungover. sorry i don't want to talk about what bread we're having with dinner. i love my parents to death, but sometimes i feel like my mom has completely succummed to this life of eh. i know at some point you end up in a routine, but i swear to god i dont want my evening to degrade down to a discussion about why we're not having italian bread with dinner.

i have a good vibe on 2010. i got another freelance thing, hopefully it pulls through, but its to do these illustrations, so hopefully i can pull it off. i really need the money, i spent way too much on this month off. haha, month off. shit. i need a new job. add that to list

- new job asap

im inspired to do things though. its true, starting something is the hardest part, but i need to not let that psych me out so badly. wake up every day and be excited for all the things you can do, not defeated by all the things you may not. my life focus has been so warped lately, i wish existing didn't take so much effort sometimes.

fuuu bedtime.

Reflections

i think im depressed.

this last month off has been such a struggle. just getting up in the morning is such an effort, and all my endeavors for the day basically defeat me as i think about them. what's causing this im not sure; maybe i just need to do some of the things i said i would, so that looking back it feels like something was actually accomplished. being all talk and no walk is really wearing me down, and when i'm worn down being productive is impossible.

tonight is christmas eve and it doesnt even feel like it. all i can think of is this freelance project; i'm supposed to send her 'examples of my illustration', but i don't really...have any, so they need to be made and sent off, so i can be approved to work on the project at all. it has me really stressed out for some reason, most probably because its so out of my comfort zone. but i know that its the only way i can get over this fear of doing freelance for people: experience. learning how long it takes to do a project. how much to charge. when youre being treated fairly and when you're being taken advantage of. its so true, with everything: getting started is the hardest part.

i need to make some serious resolutions. i need to set goals and meet them. i think the problem is, i keep saying im going to do things, but i just let it go indefinitely. its crappy for self confidence, and certainly won't be getting me another job.

yeah, we're young, but i don't like how unhappy i am, and how unwilling i am to do anything to change my situation. its like everything is such an effort for some reason. how do you get out of a rut like that ??

ugh now i'm giving myself a headache. i need to just let this go; i'll do the illustrations on saturday and send them out to her. it is what it is.

happy holidays guys!

CHILLIN

i am online again! from the laptop!

headed to the apple store two days ago because it stopped recognizing it's harddrive. going to the apple store in the cold is so not something i wanted to do, so its been broken since..well, probably october. mostly the idea of paying for a new harddrive and the cost of repairs was keeping me, but now with the prospect of going home for xmas upon me, being sans-computer would be...terrible.

going in, im told that this specific model (!) had some known problems (!!) and my harddrive actually had an extended warentee (!!!), so i didn't even have to pay for anything! hooray! now i can still afford xmas presents for my family!

speaking of xmas gifts, i dunno about everywhere else, but boots-over-the-jeans are huge in NYC these last couple of years. i didnt get into it last year, but this year...well, its really, really cold, haha. me and megan went on an excursion last weekend, and check out this find !! Steve Madden Brinx Boots!

basically we went in and found someone to help us. she was nice, and i was nice and chatted her up, so after i fell in love with them, she pulls me aside and says, "you're the nicest person ive helped all day -- here ya go, happy holiday!" and it was a 30% off coupon! and i had no idea how much these were (turns out 180$ -- ugh!), down to a much more manageable 120$! SO AWESOME! and i got them a little big so i could put a dr. scholls in, so they're basically the comfiest shoes ever!

generally ive been kind of a slacker. ever since julian got on break too we've been pretty much nonstop drinking/smoking(tweeds)/lazing. i have so many portfolio things i need to do, but im having a really hard time motivating for some reason. which sucks. i'm supposed to go meet him in queens to see his sister play violin, but fuckk its so cold in the house, i dont even want to go outside again! ever!

as far as matias stuff goes, i'm trying to break it off, while remaining friendly. its weird, like my brain knows its wrong, but my heart doesnt want to let go. its been a while since ive felt like this, so i don't have the buildup of do whats good for you, not just what you want. sigh. i just dont understand his deal -- we're both cool people, so WTF

i watched the royal tenenbaums for the first time a couple nights ago. i'm in love.

SO IT BEGINS

today marks the first day of my staycation! called thus, because i'm not actually going anywhere...just not into work!

said staycation shall happen from dec 8th to jan 4th, going into work the 21st and 22nd (though i think im going to 'work from home' those days, hahaha). yesterday was great, because i was COMPLETELY checked out. and i got an email from our HR person asking me to PLZPLZ come to the agency meeting on wednesday, i think to claim an agency award, but of course i wont be in -- joe'll have to pick it up. and today i find out our client gave us tiny bottles of gold label! i love free shit!

so today i slept until 11, showered, and called our landlord to request his huge ladder. he JUST dropped it off, which means we can FINALLY hang up our lights ive had chilling in our hallway for the last month or so. then, 2:15 i have a doctors appointment, after which im going to get my eyebrows waxed, pick up some cookie dough and bake, and begin to try to figure out this hanging sitch.

my other plan for this break is to get up and hit the gym every day. today, being my first day off, i'm going to take it easy. but every day i'm going to get up at 7:45, to get myself conditioned to the time id have to get up before work to go, and get the fuck on it. i looked in the mirror the other day and thought to myself, alex, you are an attractive girl! if you lost 20 lbs of nonsense off those hips and legs of yours, youd be absolutely smashing! the problem is motivating to go after work, so before work it is! and at least during this break i can shower and go back to sleep afterwards hehe.

other things on my list of 'shit to do before i go back to work':

- mr halperns logo (probono; ugh)
- poonam's bf's logo (probono; ugh)
- big long red curtain to put above our cabinets in the kitchen
- build a fold-up silkscreening table
- hang the hallway lights!
- hang up all the pictures we have leaning against the walls in our hallway
- update my online portfolio
- update my printed portfolios (to send out)
- chalkboard paint the sign we have on our fire escape

..amongst other things. busy busy! i love having projects that aren't design, its nice to flex some other muscles once and a while. i do need to do some serious design stuff too though. i was thinking about restarting world of warcraft, but that doesnt seem like the best of ideas :x. i'm also so close to being utterly broke, but i guess i can just charge things and pay it back after the holiday season. what do i get for my family; ugh !!!

alright, time to clean up this room, that i had COMPLETELY cleaned before i left for DC last weekend, and is already a complete mess again. barf!